I had a really interesting experience the other day and it made think about how to give feedback. My wife was talking to a distant friend that we had not talked to for a while. We had this growing feeling that she had some against me we had not given it much attention. During the phone call my wife found out that one thing she was upset about was from a christmas dinner five (that is 5 folks!) years ago. We had been sitting a bit crammed around a table, as many were present. She had moved her chair and I had moved away as she bumped in to my chair. My sudden move and expression on my face, or lack there of, still bugged her.
Of course she had not mentioned a word about this and this really made me think about giving feedback or not giving feedback. I do not even remember the event or that it had any meaning to me. How often I come across this in my work with organisations, one person upset with another without the other even knowing. Maybe the person does not know how to give feedback or does not dare to give this kind of response.
So, not as a cure all, but a gentle reminder, here is a reminder formula on how to give feedback:
1. Describe the behavior in question
2. Share how you felt in response to this behavior
3. Share what the consequence for the future relationship will be of this behavior and your attached feeling
4. If it is an undesirable behavior/feeling, describe and alternate desired behavior
Remember, for this feedback to work, do not judge, use I-statements and leave room for questions for clarification.
The Leadership Briefing 
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